• Mon. Jul 15th, 2024


Dec 11, 2020

Disagreements cannot be ruled out in any relationship, mostly in marriages. Naturally, no two normal human beings will always agree on everything, since there will always be differences in opinion. Notwithstanding, two reasonably intelligent and mature adults can live together in peace, if only they can both resolve to work through those inevitable disagreements and conflicts. The best way to resolve conflict is to seek for solution that will satisfy the needs of both partners. Couples should learn to turn their conflicts into ‘love fights                        ‘ so as to achieve a peaceful relationship. Love Fights are the positive and healthy exchanges during conflicts between husband and wife that are geared towards resolving conflicts, which will eventually increase their love for each other.

The process of love fights entails certain attitudinal traits and actions geared solely towards a sustainable peace and harmony in the home. In other words, it is a positive process with no negativity. One of the principles to follow in the practice of love fight is keeping our emotions under control. When we are falsely accused or misjudged, most of us vent out our anger and reflect that anger in some way in which of course, our spouses can feel our displeasure. According to the Scriptures, anger will never help us to resolve a conflict nor help us grow. “… for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). Also, the Bible in Ephesians 4:31, says that God wants us to put our anger away from us. How then do we overcome anger?

Erroneously, some of us in dealing with our anger during conflict bottle up our anger. This, unknowingly to us, may look right, but in the long run is not the best, because the anger concealed will eventually, like a time-bomb explode someday in one form or the other. Neither should we direct the anger toward ourselves; that is one of the major causes of depression. In fact, this is one of the major reasons why we are having so much bitterness in the home today, leading to spouses killing their partners, even in their sleep. Most likely, one partner had been bottling up his or her anger, only for it to resurface at last. The healthiest way to dispel anger is to admit it audibly (“I am feeling angry right now”); identify the reason for the anger (“I feel angry when you speak sharply to me like that”); forgive the other person for failing to meet your expectations; and finally, kindly express your needs and desires to your spouse. If you can do this, resolution is just around the corner.

To engage in love fights, both spouses must adopt a learner’s posture. What this implies is that both partners must be willing to learn and grow through their marital conflict experiences, which will thereafter create harmony in the home. It is highly advisable that couples establish this goal from the onset of their marriage relationship. Once there is tension, the most important thing to do next is not, to make the other person understand one’s point of view and not to being out to win the argument. Instead, the important thing is to learn something valuable that will help the couple in understanding themselves better; thereby making their home what God wants it to be.

If we really want to resolve conflict in our marriage, we need to reach out and begin to work toward strengthening our relationship; even if that means being vulnerable, sacrificial, or making some changes in our lives. And because of the fact, that neither of us as husband or wife, has the natural ability to do that, it will also be of help to pray: “Lord, help me to have a teachable spirit. Relieve me of my defensiveness, self-righteousness and anger, and help me to learn something that will help me to grow” If we can maintain that attitude, we are well on the way to resolving conflicts via love fights.

Advisedly, it should not take several days for us to confront the conflict in our homes. This can only be when we begin to think about our part of the blame for the conflict. We should readily be able to acknowledge our wrong, seek the other’s forgiveness, embrace, and proceed joyfully. For instance, if for any reason, while we are holding on to a conflict, something happens to our partner before we resolve the conflict. Would we ever forgive ourselves? It would be extremely painful and difficult. It is therefore of expedience that we keep short accounts of offences and resolve marital conflict quickly and completely in a manner that will keep our love for one another growing stronger.


Furthermore, in the practice of love fights, we must learn to listen with our hearts. Our normal response in conflicts most times is only aimed at showing how our spouses are unreasonable in their actions, pick at their details, correct their inaccuracies, refute their point of view and give explanations and reasons for our actions and utterances. But an inspired proverbs says, “He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise” (Proverbs 15:31).

We get to the root of the problem more readily if we allow our spouses to tell us how they are feeling and what their needs are. To ask them how they would have liked us to respond and what we can do to help resolve the problem in a way that is best for them. This is with the hope that they share their thoughts with us without hurting us. But, whatever our partner says, our goal should be to listen; without arguing, without trying to get them to acknowledge our needs. Our only comments at this point should be to agree, or to seek further clarification.

If something sounds untrue or unfair, you should simply say, “What I hear you saying is…” and then share your impression of what your spouse have said and ask if you understand him or her correctly. After that you must devote yourself to listening. You must endeavour to ensure that you express your unconditional love and understanding to your partner, who must feel understood and valued by you. Likewise, if you want your partner to understand you, you must make yourself understandable by being willing to answer questions, share your thought honestly, and avoid being defensive. In addition, you have to learn to listen and think before speaking as well as be willing to look at things from your spouse’s viewpoint.

On a more serious note, we should learn to think before we speak. Many of us have our mouths in motion before our minds are in gear; and our attempt to resolve a disagreement is usually like pouring petrol on a bush fire. Wives are guiltier of this, though some men have mouths that are like a slaughter house. Certainly, the habit of thinking before speaking will help us to tell our mates what we are really feeling and what we want without hurting them.

Also, in practicing love fight, we must learn to focus on our own part of the blame. Blaming others usually stems from a low self-image; feeling that we must win in order to establish our worth. Sometimes we blame others simply to avoid admitting that we have contributed to the problem.

If we are serious about strengthening a relationship, we must ask ourselves what we have done to agitate the conflict. If our partner feels hurt, unappreciated, criticized or rejected, then we must examine our own attitudes to those feelings? Even if our actions were unintentional, the tone of our voice or the expression on our face may have fueled the feelings, and we must be willing to acknowledge that. However, they are few cases where the partner being attacked aggressively is blameless.

We have to realize that the ways in which we contribute to the arguments in our marriage may just be nothing more than a disapproving glance, or a probing question that subtly belittles our partners. So, come all out and admit your part of the blame.

Notably, there would always be conflict in the marriage as there would always be differences in opinion, but our reaction to these conflicts is what really counts. Therefore, our reactions to marital conflicts should be to fight for our love with love and not with intimidation, harassment, threats name-calling, and even violence. For, we can only use unconditional love to conquer conflicts and create exciting and mutual bond of intimacy in our relationships. All in all, the practice of love fights, converts disagreement to agreement; misunderstanding to understanding; and disharmony to harmony.